Journalist Meredith Lepore acknowledges her tendency to hold grudges, sometimes lasting five to seven years or longer. An instance twelve years ago, when friends assigned her a smaller role in organizing a bachelorette party, stuck with her. She said, “I don’t think I ever planned a bachelorette party after that.” Another event in her twenties involved a disagreement with a roommate over locking herself out of their shared apartment. She admitted she wouldn’t consider that person a friend but would share a drink with her.
Lepore’s longest-lasting grudge goes back to college. A birthday cake sent by her parents mysteriously disappeared from the fridge. She discovered a boy had taken it, bragging about his act. Asked if she’s still upset about it, Lepore said, “I’ve held that one for a long time. I think now I’m over it!”
Lepore believes her grudge-holding runs in her family. She describes her father, a kind doctor, as someone who might write a book titled ‘Grudges I’ve Had.’ She thinks being sensitive makes her more prone to holding grudges, contrasting this with people who can easily shrug off offenses.
Holding onto grudges is a widespread behavior. A survey shows 78% of adults harbor resentments, averaging seven grudges simultaneously. Psychotherapist Nancy Colier notes how seemingly small matters can become enormous emotional burdens. She recounts a case of a woman who still holds a grudge from high school over an argument about a boy.
Colier explains that grudges are counterproductive, harming those who hold them rather than those involved in the original conflict. Harvard epidemiology professor Tyler VanderWeele echoes this sentiment, comparing grudges to drinking poison and hoping the other person suffers. He highlights the negative health impacts of grudges, citing links to cardiovascular issues, depression, and anxiety.
The public nature of grudges, amplified by social media, has changed perceptions about expressing them. VanderWeele points out that discussions about character have decreased, making grudges more visible. Colier suggests that such behavior is childlike.
Addressing grudges involves forgiveness. VanderWeele emphasizes that forgiveness is replacing ill will with goodwill, an essential step toward reconciliation. Author Immaculée Ilibagiza, who lost most of her family in the Rwandan genocide, exemplifies the power of forgiveness, overcoming anger by realizing it harmed only herself.
Colier advocates for taking ownership of personal well-being by letting go of grudges, regardless of scale. She stresses that one’s peace cannot depend on others’ actions. Her latest book, ‘Narratives: Let Go of the Stories That Keep You Stuck,’ delves into how personal narratives can hinder living truthfully and connectedly.
Understanding human responses to grudges and forgiveness offers insight into improving mental health and promoting resilience. This exploration reflects a broader cultural movement toward healing and positive personal development.