Meeting someone and wanting to become friends is an exciting experience. You connect effortlessly, share laughs, and feel an urge to know more about them. Instead of saying, “We should get together sometime,” Kat Vellos, author of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships, suggests a more direct approach. Make specific plans. She advises, “Pull out your calendar, pick a time, choose an activity, and follow through.”

“Sometime” is too vague. Be specific to increase the likelihood of meeting up. If finding new friends feels daunting, develop what Vellos calls “friendship intuition.” This involves prioritizing people, spending quality time, and knowing when to let go if the connection doesn’t feel right. In a discussion with Life Kit, Vellos shares tips on transforming strangers into friends, backed by scientific research and her experience as a friendship coach. She helps individuals struggling to make connections and consults urban planners on creating communal spaces. This interview was trimmed for clarity.

Spotting a Potential Friend

In community spaces or group events, identifying a prospective friend hinges on who you feel comfortable with and who shows a genuine interest in you. It may not be the most captivating person in the room. They could have great charisma, yet might not make you feel at ease.

Inviting Someone to Hang Out

One common misstep in forming a new friendship is delaying the next meeting, which can cause the initial connection to fade. Jeffrey Hall, a communication studies professor at the University of Kansas, studied this. He found it takes over 30 hours to convert a stranger into a casual friend, especially when interactions occur soon after meeting. Spending ample time together early on strengthens the bond. Unfortunately, many adults adhere to unwritten rules restricting how often they meet new acquaintances, leading to missed opportunities for deeper friendships.

Choosing Engaging Activities

Select an activity that stands out. While coffee dates are popular, they are often forgettable. Offer to do something your potential friend cares about. If they enjoy knitting, suggest, “There’s an exhibit on yarn art. Interested?” Cornell University researchers discovered unique experiences create stronger bonds compared to typical activities. An event like a classic car show or a vegan food truck festival provides memorable shared experiences.

If You’re Not Interested

Realizing you don’t click with someone is perfectly okay. Decide whether to stop seeing them or move them to the outer circles of your social connections. Imagine rings: your inner circle, friends for special events, acquaintances you’re happy to see occasionally, and those who remain strangers.

Nurturing a New Friendship

When a new friendship is progressing well, apply Vellos’ four seeds of connection: compatibility, frequency, proximity, and commitment. These elements create durable friendships. Compatibility ensures mutual interest exists. Frequency involves regular meetings. Proximity refers to spending face-to-face time. Lastly, both parties must show commitment to maintaining the friendship.