Photo illustration by Becky Harlan/NPR Amy Chan remembers her breakup vividly. Discovering her partner’s infidelity left her devastated. She lost not only her partner but the future she envisioned — dreams of a house and family vanished. Chan said, “I put so much of my identity in him, and us and our future plan, that without that, I didn’t know who I was.” The aftermath included years of depression and anxiety, with friends checking on her well-being. Now recovered, Chan founded Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat for healing. She authored a book, Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart, offering insight on overcoming breakups.
Understanding Breakup Pain
Breakups, regardless of their nature, can hurt profoundly. Recognizing this pain is crucial. When you’re happy with loved ones, reward-related brain regions activate, similar to enjoying chocolate or winning money, says UCLA psychology professor Naomi Eisenberger. Conversely, rejection triggers the brain’s physical pain processing areas. Orna Guralnik, a clinical psychologist featured in Couples Therapy, emphasizes self-care and validating emotions during breakups. Chan likens the process to mourning, where patience from friends may dwindle. It’s essential to embrace these feelings without viewing them as a flaw.
Avoiding Common Pitfalls
Using drugs or alcohol as a crutch is risky. Chan notes that substances impair rational thinking and amplify negative emotions, leading to regrettable decisions. Clarity is vital for healing. Facing the reality of being broken up is challenging. Your body may seek “love hormones,” encouraging ill-advised behaviors like contacting your ex. Chan advises against seeking closure through contact. It’s not the ex that alleviates pain, but acceptance of the separation. Misleading thoughts like villainizing or idolizing your ex should be avoided; they hinder personal growth.
Self-Reflection and Growth
Post-breakup periods allow for self-discovery. Chan uses exercises where clients recount their breakup story and identify “thinking traps” like generalizing or rigid beliefs. Rewriting the story with facts aids in honest evaluation. Examining past relationships can reveal underlying patterns of abandonment. While reflecting, differentiate between constructive thoughts and shame-rooted beliefs. Learning from past actions is beneficial. Defining yourself negatively is not.
Recognizing When You’re Stuck
Recovery varies per individual, says Guralnik. She warns against repetitive thoughts signaling stagnation. Chan explains cycles of primary emotions, like sadness, followed by shame. Understanding this helps break unproductive cycles. Simple actions like physical movement or positive music can shift focus. Eisenberger suggests exercise and time with loved ones trigger natural pain-easing opioids. Engaging in hobbies revitalizes life.
Reentering the Dating World
No definitive marker indicates readiness for dating. Experts agree you should genuinely want to meet new people, not as a distraction. Chan advises trying dating to gauge your readiness. Whether returning to square one or finding dating easier, it’s okay to proceed at your own pace. Being consumed by understanding the breakup signals a need for more time. Remember, you have the tools to overcome heartbreak.
The podcast portion of this story was produced by Clare Marie Schneider. If you have tips or life hacks, contact us via voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email [email protected]. Your suggestion might be featured in an episode. To enjoy more Life Kit content, subscribe to our newsletter.