When facing challenging relationships, you might wonder whether to persist or step back. In her recent book, Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen or End Any Relationship, therapist KC Davis addresses these dilemmas. She provides strategies to handle tough situations with family, romantic partners, and friends.

The Relationship Decision Tree

Davis offers what she calls the ‘Relationship Decision Tree.’ This concept aids in making decisions about whether to engage further in a relationship or withdraw from it. Davis, well-known for her bestseller How to Keep House While Drowning, emphasizes the importance of evaluating the impact of behavior on relationships.

Identifying Objectionable Behavior

Ask yourself what specifically bothers you about a behavior. By pinpointing the cause of your discomfort, you may discover if the behavior is merely annoying or genuinely harmful. For instance, if a roommate neglects chores, consider if this impacts you directly, such as attracting bugs. Engage in dialogue to see if they are open to change.

Assessing Values

Determine if staying in a relationship violates your values. Prominent values include physical and psychological safety for you and minor children. Other values, like sobriety or caring for a dependent, are also crucial. If your core values remain intact, even if the relationship is undesirable, consider your history and responsibilities to the person.

Choices and Consequences

When leaving does not conflict with your values, consider what disengagement would entail. Options vary from ending communication to setting limited interactions. Should you choose to maintain a relationship, boundaries become essential. Examples include reducing visits with a verbally abusive parent or limiting chores for a partner absorbed in hobbies.

Disengagement doesn’t have to be permanent. It can offer temporary relief as you prioritize your wellbeing.

Setting Boundaries

Maintaining a relationship with proper boundaries involves self-care strategies rather than expecting others to change. Davis suggests enacting rules to safeguard your emotional and physical health. For instance, if a relative is verbally abusive, schedule visits and have a support plan. If a partner neglects shared responsibilities, consider options like hiring help.

If you face intimate partner violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.